An Open Letter to My Future Self
Hey!
I don't know when you're reading this, but for some context, right now it's Wednesday, December 5th, 2018. Currently, you've been working at VICE for about 2 months. It's probably a bit weird how quickly you listed your job, but hey, fuck late-stage capitalism. Actually, the importance of occupation is something that's always bothered me about American culture. When I was graduating, the first question almost everyone seemed to ask was whether I had a job lined up. Man, I had no idea! I was about to close a HUGE chapter of my life, and all people cared about was my potential job.
Anyway, I got sidetracked - this is about you. Just to make it clearer who you are now, you're 22. You're living with Nina, CM, and Michael in Williamsburg and loving it. It's beautiful how that just worked out, right? You've been single for a little while now, and you're not quite sure how to feel about it. You like your job, but also want to explore writing and other interests, hence this blog. I wonder if you're still writing on it or not. Did you ever invite other people to collaborate like you wanted to? How did those pitches go?
Do you remember what it felt like right after you turned 22? Well, let me tell ya, it's complicated. Most days are pretty good - you work in a cool place, you have great roommates, you're closer to your friends than ever before. But then there are the other days. The days when you feel really floaty, not sure what you're doing. The days when you're terrified your life is already routine. The days when you're aware of just how horrified you are of change, and how you fear you'll be trapped in the same place for years to come because of it. The days when you can't stop worrying that you'll be in a loveless marriage a decade from now and too comfortable to leave it. I really hope you're not.
Man, how do I transition out of that? That's something I've always struggled with - transitions between thoughts. I really just like to ramble, often with little to no express point. I hope you've gotten better at that. Are you happy with your writing yet? You're definitely going to hate this whenever you read it. You kind of already hate it now, so six months or a year from now, it's going to make you cringe and want to delete it even more. But don't. Leave it up, let it be clear how much personal growth you've had.
That's really the key, right? You just have to grow. Do you feel like you've grown? That's my goal right now, just better myself. Try to explore different interests and themes in my life and see where they take me. Figure out my priorities and go from there, trying to live a life that I can be proud of when I'm older. A life that when I look back and read this in a few years, I'll understand what was going on and see how far I've come.
I like to imagine that lots of things will change in the future. I think we all do, I mean look at The Jetsons or Star Trek or Back to the Future II. We all want things to be radically different than they are now, not necessarily because we hate the present but because that's exciting. Although, there is a certain truth to hating the present. A lot of shitty things are happening right now so it would make sense to want some major changes. Are things as different as I hope they are?
The thing is, I also hate change. Even tiny changes are so damn scary. I love my personal status quo so much - it's so warm and comfy. I think we all struggle with change, right? A friend of mine used to freak out every time Facebook changed its layout, even a little bit. She just couldn't deal with the most minor changes, and I totally understand that. Little disruptions can really throw us off, confuse us and distract us from the bigger picture. We put a lot of our larger frustrations into the anger we feel when Snapchat changes its layout because it's easier that way.
So I'm torn. On the one hand, I really hope things have changed by the time you read this, though I'm not exactly sure which things. At the very least, I hope you're more emotionally consistent. I want things to be more stable for you. On the other hand, the current status quo is so nice and comfortable. It feels so warm and fuzzy and the thought of substantial change between now and whenever you're reading this is terrifying.
Oh! Important question: have you figured out something that makes you happy with your hair? Right now it's recovering from being pink after dying it for Extra Life. The top is kind of this weird orange color that everyone assures you doesn't look bad but secretly you know it does. You've always had a weird obsession with your hair, where does that come from? Figured that out yet?
Oof, I really go off on a ton of tangents, huh? Having a conversation with me must be really rough at times. I can't imagine this is interesting for anyone else to read. It's kind of meandering and all over the place, but I feel like it accurately captures the way I speak. I really just kind of go all over the place while running my hands through my hair and blinking way too often. That's okay though, this is just for you, not anyone else.
Speaking of being all over the place, what music do you listen to? Right now, your favorite band is the Dirty Projectors and you've been going to a ton of concerts. In fact, Lex took you to see the Regrettes on Monday, and you're seeing Tessa Violet on Friday. Do you remember them? Do you still like concerts? God, it really seems like everything could be different, but maybe nothing is.
The real test would be if you still play Overwatch. Man, what a fucking game. You've devoted so much of your life to playing that magnificent piece of art, it'd be a shame if you stopped playing it. Oh, who's the coolest new character? I'm so fascinated to see the decisions that papa Jeff and co make. How's the lore? I can't imagine that it's improved that much, but that's okay. The best part of that game has always been the aesthetic and mechanics. Are you still a nice support main?
Sorry for the interrogation, I'm just so damn curious. I kind of wanted this to be an inner dialogue, but it's really just one sided. Not that it even could've been a conversation since you can't reply. Well, you could, it would just be a little weird to be talking to your past self. I really do wish I could be in the future. I've always wanted to skip ahead. When I was a kid, it was always about dumb things like skipping to an age when I could go to bed at 9 instead of 8 or skipping past doing homework. Focusing on the future is also what got me through cross country - I would just imagine how good it would feel to be done with the race.
I feel like that's probably unhealthy, wanting so badly to skip the journey. I've been trying to focus more on the present and where things stand now, though that's really hard. It's so much easier to ignore present problems by imagining future solutions. But life is all about moderation, right? Finding the right balance between everything. Balances are just so damn hard to strike on basically anything.
Speaking of, have you figured out the right balance of small and big talk? That's kind of vague, but talking to people is just so damn hard. I'm genuinely interested in what everyone has to say while being extremely excited to chip in myself. I'm constantly worried that I talk too much, that I don't let others speak enough. I also fear that I either only talk about completely unimportant stuff or entirely too heavy things. It's hard to strike that balance in a way that feels meaningful while also being fun. I want to be able to shoot the shit with someone without feeling the need to be profound. I hope you've figured that out.
What about forgiveness? Have you figured out how to forgive yourself yet? You never really have been able to. You're constantly way too hard on yourself and overthink every single little interaction with anyone you've ever met in your entire life. Trying to move past mistakes is so fucking hard. Have you gotten over that time you said you didn't like the gift Murphy got you when you were 7? Cause lord knows I still haven't. He spent his own money on a documentary for you, and you were upset it wasn't a toy. What is wrong with you?
Sorry for the length, I promise I'm wrapping up. In fact, I only have one question before I let you go: are you happy yet?
I don't know when you're reading this, but for some context, right now it's Wednesday, December 5th, 2018. Currently, you've been working at VICE for about 2 months. It's probably a bit weird how quickly you listed your job, but hey, fuck late-stage capitalism. Actually, the importance of occupation is something that's always bothered me about American culture. When I was graduating, the first question almost everyone seemed to ask was whether I had a job lined up. Man, I had no idea! I was about to close a HUGE chapter of my life, and all people cared about was my potential job.
Anyway, I got sidetracked - this is about you. Just to make it clearer who you are now, you're 22. You're living with Nina, CM, and Michael in Williamsburg and loving it. It's beautiful how that just worked out, right? You've been single for a little while now, and you're not quite sure how to feel about it. You like your job, but also want to explore writing and other interests, hence this blog. I wonder if you're still writing on it or not. Did you ever invite other people to collaborate like you wanted to? How did those pitches go?
Do you remember what it felt like right after you turned 22? Well, let me tell ya, it's complicated. Most days are pretty good - you work in a cool place, you have great roommates, you're closer to your friends than ever before. But then there are the other days. The days when you feel really floaty, not sure what you're doing. The days when you're terrified your life is already routine. The days when you're aware of just how horrified you are of change, and how you fear you'll be trapped in the same place for years to come because of it. The days when you can't stop worrying that you'll be in a loveless marriage a decade from now and too comfortable to leave it. I really hope you're not.
Man, how do I transition out of that? That's something I've always struggled with - transitions between thoughts. I really just like to ramble, often with little to no express point. I hope you've gotten better at that. Are you happy with your writing yet? You're definitely going to hate this whenever you read it. You kind of already hate it now, so six months or a year from now, it's going to make you cringe and want to delete it even more. But don't. Leave it up, let it be clear how much personal growth you've had.
I like to imagine that lots of things will change in the future. I think we all do, I mean look at The Jetsons or Star Trek or Back to the Future II. We all want things to be radically different than they are now, not necessarily because we hate the present but because that's exciting. Although, there is a certain truth to hating the present. A lot of shitty things are happening right now so it would make sense to want some major changes. Are things as different as I hope they are?
The thing is, I also hate change. Even tiny changes are so damn scary. I love my personal status quo so much - it's so warm and comfy. I think we all struggle with change, right? A friend of mine used to freak out every time Facebook changed its layout, even a little bit. She just couldn't deal with the most minor changes, and I totally understand that. Little disruptions can really throw us off, confuse us and distract us from the bigger picture. We put a lot of our larger frustrations into the anger we feel when Snapchat changes its layout because it's easier that way.
So I'm torn. On the one hand, I really hope things have changed by the time you read this, though I'm not exactly sure which things. At the very least, I hope you're more emotionally consistent. I want things to be more stable for you. On the other hand, the current status quo is so nice and comfortable. It feels so warm and fuzzy and the thought of substantial change between now and whenever you're reading this is terrifying.
Oh! Important question: have you figured out something that makes you happy with your hair? Right now it's recovering from being pink after dying it for Extra Life. The top is kind of this weird orange color that everyone assures you doesn't look bad but secretly you know it does. You've always had a weird obsession with your hair, where does that come from? Figured that out yet?
Oof, I really go off on a ton of tangents, huh? Having a conversation with me must be really rough at times. I can't imagine this is interesting for anyone else to read. It's kind of meandering and all over the place, but I feel like it accurately captures the way I speak. I really just kind of go all over the place while running my hands through my hair and blinking way too often. That's okay though, this is just for you, not anyone else.
Speaking of being all over the place, what music do you listen to? Right now, your favorite band is the Dirty Projectors and you've been going to a ton of concerts. In fact, Lex took you to see the Regrettes on Monday, and you're seeing Tessa Violet on Friday. Do you remember them? Do you still like concerts? God, it really seems like everything could be different, but maybe nothing is.
The real test would be if you still play Overwatch. Man, what a fucking game. You've devoted so much of your life to playing that magnificent piece of art, it'd be a shame if you stopped playing it. Oh, who's the coolest new character? I'm so fascinated to see the decisions that papa Jeff and co make. How's the lore? I can't imagine that it's improved that much, but that's okay. The best part of that game has always been the aesthetic and mechanics. Are you still a nice support main?
Sorry for the interrogation, I'm just so damn curious. I kind of wanted this to be an inner dialogue, but it's really just one sided. Not that it even could've been a conversation since you can't reply. Well, you could, it would just be a little weird to be talking to your past self. I really do wish I could be in the future. I've always wanted to skip ahead. When I was a kid, it was always about dumb things like skipping to an age when I could go to bed at 9 instead of 8 or skipping past doing homework. Focusing on the future is also what got me through cross country - I would just imagine how good it would feel to be done with the race.
I feel like that's probably unhealthy, wanting so badly to skip the journey. I've been trying to focus more on the present and where things stand now, though that's really hard. It's so much easier to ignore present problems by imagining future solutions. But life is all about moderation, right? Finding the right balance between everything. Balances are just so damn hard to strike on basically anything.
Speaking of, have you figured out the right balance of small and big talk? That's kind of vague, but talking to people is just so damn hard. I'm genuinely interested in what everyone has to say while being extremely excited to chip in myself. I'm constantly worried that I talk too much, that I don't let others speak enough. I also fear that I either only talk about completely unimportant stuff or entirely too heavy things. It's hard to strike that balance in a way that feels meaningful while also being fun. I want to be able to shoot the shit with someone without feeling the need to be profound. I hope you've figured that out.
What about forgiveness? Have you figured out how to forgive yourself yet? You never really have been able to. You're constantly way too hard on yourself and overthink every single little interaction with anyone you've ever met in your entire life. Trying to move past mistakes is so fucking hard. Have you gotten over that time you said you didn't like the gift Murphy got you when you were 7? Cause lord knows I still haven't. He spent his own money on a documentary for you, and you were upset it wasn't a toy. What is wrong with you?
Sorry for the length, I promise I'm wrapping up. In fact, I only have one question before I let you go: are you happy yet?
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